Sunday 23 July

I've had a lay off from this blog as I was away last weekend and was pre-occupied this week, so it is time to catch up.

I went into a workshop on GI on Friday morning and then drove up to Lowestoft to stay with my friend Lindsay. I've known Lindsay for over 10 years, from when she was still transitioning/migrating. She used to come to the Lodge and came down to Barbara's once but I haven't seen her for 6 years. She had a serious accident with a steel boom on a neighbouring boat when it hit her fair-square across the forehead and that still seems to have a lasting health effect. She is now a landlubber.

I arrived in time for us to go out seeking food. We ended up at an Italian restaurant - Giardino's, which was fine. The fold-out bed she provided was very comfortable and I was able to shower and get dressed the next morning at ease. Lindsay had clearly gone to the trouble of getting jam, orange and coffee in just for me - she eats porridge and I guess is usually vegetarian, although fish is OK.

Lindsay is a smart cookie and lives a benign philosophically-based life (this she may well disagree with) - quite happy to discuss deep issues at any time of the day. She has a unique perspective on life which basically equates to living true to oneself and not apologetically. She took me to task, in a very gentle way, for being 'self-effacing' and 'giving to others at expense to myself'. This is all true and reflects on the 'born guilty' undercurrent that I sense drives me. Lindsay can be 'tough love' at times, but that is fine! The change in me that came with Barbara's death fits the philosophy.

Saturday was occupied by Sutton Hoo, which there is no reason to relate here - it is an astonishing place. Likewise Blythburgh Church - somewhere I knew nothing of. Photos are on flickr and my friend Deeanna, who knows Blythburgh, has reinforced the desire to revisit. We stopped at Morrison's and bought some salmon which made for a very pleasant evening meal. Because a festival called 'Latitude' was on and occupied the southern routes, we decided to head north to Great Yarmouth on the Sunday to visit the Elizabethan House and the Time and Tide Museum. Both were interesting and snaps taken in the Elizabethan House are on flickr, although now I realise I took too few photos in the Time and Tide Museum relating to the importance of the silver darlings. Never mind, I think I'll be back. We had a good lunch at a cafe opposite the T&T which meant that in the evening a snack sufficed. (Coincidence - The Shoals of Herring, Luke Kelly, has just started on the CD player) ...

Oh, it was a fine and a pleasant day
Out of Yarmouth harbour I was faring
As a cabinboy on a sailing lugger
For to go and hunt the shoals of herring

On Monday morning I left just after breakfast. Lindsay has her ways with washing up, from living on a boat for years, and I have mine, from living with just cold water on tap and a dishwasher for years ... I hope she didn't think I was lazy - 'cos I wasn't!!! We agreed that I would revisit before too long and visit Maldon, which has a place in her heart, as well as Blythburgh ... and there is much more, if she can put up with me.

Now Luke Kelly sings Raglan Road and I'm in tears ... it's such a silly song, but about love forlorn and often brings tears to my eyes. Better now, tears are good ... where was I?

It was a smooth drive home to find a message on the answerphone ... something  I only associated with Barbara ... it was Doris with details of the funeral. I didn't get the full message and realised that to listen to it again I would have to go through the previous 'listened to' emails from Barbara - I'm still not ready for that, especially those from her 'in extremis'. I checked my mobile and there was text from Lisa from Thursday - I'm sure I reviewed texts before I left for Suffolk. I phoned Doris and she was just Doris ...  caring but without talking of others. The oxygen equipment had been picked up and she had taken the label off of the door.

I need to reflect a little on my trip to Lindsay - she was just the company I needed, but she also had her own situation that she was working through, with Stan, who she had just visited and was not expected to live long. It was with sadness that I heard from Lindsay he had died the following Wednesday. Nothing unexpected, but I recall her saying that on her visit prior to my arrival she had sat for two hours holding his hand ... a gentle resonance with my last hours with Barbara.

Anyway, I sent a text to Lisa, thanking her for the details, but saying it was unlikely I would attend. I then spoke to Les and Jan ... Mark's unjustified accusations were still making me gag and I said as much to Jan. I also emailed Jenny Thompson about the funeral. By this time I felt a little leaden, but remembered the weekend and started selecting snaps for flickr. Tuesday was work, with me coming home in the afternoon to carry on the landscape project. That carried through to Thursday morning. I emailed work to say that I wouldn't be in on Tuesday (team meeting day) because of the funeral. I had a really heartfelt email back from Adrian that triggered tears again. God, am I lucky with my work colleagues.

On Thursday afternoon I filled up the car with stuff for the dump and it felt quite cathartic (Lavabis me ... Domino (thanks, Gia)). I even put a face on and took a photo! Friday, I was back from the dump and supermarket by 9:30 and continued with sorting out all the stuff that has been simply stored over the last four years. And then at 7:30 ... the phone rang.

It was Robert Grieve who is leading the celebration of Barbara's life on the Tuesday. He had met Lisa at Barbara's empty flat ... could I supply some words, some memories? I would be very welcome if I could bring myself to attend. Truth was that I was thinking about attending, ever since talking to Doris, and Robert's gentle approach, which must have been supported by Lisa, convinced me.

Raglan Road is back on again and I'm emotionally exhausted, yet there is more to say, of more care. Later, if not tomorrow.