30th July - After the Funeral

Several times a day I think of Barbara, just as I did when she was alive. But back then, it was thoughts about trying to provide her with enjoyment, whereas today it is thinking of the enjoyment she provided me.

She lived for simple pleasures. I think that may have been due to the incomprehensible complexity of the abuse she endured as a child and then an adult. She taught me the value of a simple approach to life.

Her funeral was on Tuesday, 25th July and it was fine - the Eva Cassidy and the Jane McDonald. Robert read out the tributes including the last minute one from Julie Bell, her stoma nurse, who had only been informed on the Monday. I was sitting with Les and Jan and started becoming too emotional during Robert's recounting of my tribute. Les was supportive. Earlier I had thought that Barbara would have wanted Robert to have something for his charities, so I wrote a cheque for £100.
I spoke to Doris and Chris, but left without talking to the family - it would have been awkward and wrong.

I was back to work on Wednesday and Thursday. I was able to start relaxing on Friday. In the evening I made a reference to 'Sharpe' on flickr (Game of Thrones picture) and found myself watching a video of John Tams performing 'Over the Hills and Faraway' at Chequer Mead when Barbara and I were in the audience. She had bought a CD for Mark (I can't remember whether it was music from Sharpe or 'Love Farewell') and John Tams signed it for her. A surge of emotion came through, but that's fine.

Now it is Sunday 30th and I continue my slow sorting out in the house. A HDD docking station arrived on Thursday and I stripped out the drives from the remaining computers on Friday. The next thing to do is see if the SAD lamp is salvageable.

Sunday 23 July

I've had a lay off from this blog as I was away last weekend and was pre-occupied this week, so it is time to catch up.

I went into a workshop on GI on Friday morning and then drove up to Lowestoft to stay with my friend Lindsay. I've known Lindsay for over 10 years, from when she was still transitioning/migrating. She used to come to the Lodge and came down to Barbara's once but I haven't seen her for 6 years. She had a serious accident with a steel boom on a neighbouring boat when it hit her fair-square across the forehead and that still seems to have a lasting health effect. She is now a landlubber.

I arrived in time for us to go out seeking food. We ended up at an Italian restaurant - Giardino's, which was fine. The fold-out bed she provided was very comfortable and I was able to shower and get dressed the next morning at ease. Lindsay had clearly gone to the trouble of getting jam, orange and coffee in just for me - she eats porridge and I guess is usually vegetarian, although fish is OK.

Lindsay is a smart cookie and lives a benign philosophically-based life (this she may well disagree with) - quite happy to discuss deep issues at any time of the day. She has a unique perspective on life which basically equates to living true to oneself and not apologetically. She took me to task, in a very gentle way, for being 'self-effacing' and 'giving to others at expense to myself'. This is all true and reflects on the 'born guilty' undercurrent that I sense drives me. Lindsay can be 'tough love' at times, but that is fine! The change in me that came with Barbara's death fits the philosophy.

Saturday was occupied by Sutton Hoo, which there is no reason to relate here - it is an astonishing place. Likewise Blythburgh Church - somewhere I knew nothing of. Photos are on flickr and my friend Deeanna, who knows Blythburgh, has reinforced the desire to revisit. We stopped at Morrison's and bought some salmon which made for a very pleasant evening meal. Because a festival called 'Latitude' was on and occupied the southern routes, we decided to head north to Great Yarmouth on the Sunday to visit the Elizabethan House and the Time and Tide Museum. Both were interesting and snaps taken in the Elizabethan House are on flickr, although now I realise I took too few photos in the Time and Tide Museum relating to the importance of the silver darlings. Never mind, I think I'll be back. We had a good lunch at a cafe opposite the T&T which meant that in the evening a snack sufficed. (Coincidence - The Shoals of Herring, Luke Kelly, has just started on the CD player) ...

Oh, it was a fine and a pleasant day
Out of Yarmouth harbour I was faring
As a cabinboy on a sailing lugger
For to go and hunt the shoals of herring

On Monday morning I left just after breakfast. Lindsay has her ways with washing up, from living on a boat for years, and I have mine, from living with just cold water on tap and a dishwasher for years ... I hope she didn't think I was lazy - 'cos I wasn't!!! We agreed that I would revisit before too long and visit Maldon, which has a place in her heart, as well as Blythburgh ... and there is much more, if she can put up with me.

Now Luke Kelly sings Raglan Road and I'm in tears ... it's such a silly song, but about love forlorn and often brings tears to my eyes. Better now, tears are good ... where was I?

It was a smooth drive home to find a message on the answerphone ... something  I only associated with Barbara ... it was Doris with details of the funeral. I didn't get the full message and realised that to listen to it again I would have to go through the previous 'listened to' emails from Barbara - I'm still not ready for that, especially those from her 'in extremis'. I checked my mobile and there was text from Lisa from Thursday - I'm sure I reviewed texts before I left for Suffolk. I phoned Doris and she was just Doris ...  caring but without talking of others. The oxygen equipment had been picked up and she had taken the label off of the door.

I need to reflect a little on my trip to Lindsay - she was just the company I needed, but she also had her own situation that she was working through, with Stan, who she had just visited and was not expected to live long. It was with sadness that I heard from Lindsay he had died the following Wednesday. Nothing unexpected, but I recall her saying that on her visit prior to my arrival she had sat for two hours holding his hand ... a gentle resonance with my last hours with Barbara.

Anyway, I sent a text to Lisa, thanking her for the details, but saying it was unlikely I would attend. I then spoke to Les and Jan ... Mark's unjustified accusations were still making me gag and I said as much to Jan. I also emailed Jenny Thompson about the funeral. By this time I felt a little leaden, but remembered the weekend and started selecting snaps for flickr. Tuesday was work, with me coming home in the afternoon to carry on the landscape project. That carried through to Thursday morning. I emailed work to say that I wouldn't be in on Tuesday (team meeting day) because of the funeral. I had a really heartfelt email back from Adrian that triggered tears again. God, am I lucky with my work colleagues.

On Thursday afternoon I filled up the car with stuff for the dump and it felt quite cathartic (Lavabis me ... Domino (thanks, Gia)). I even put a face on and took a photo! Friday, I was back from the dump and supermarket by 9:30 and continued with sorting out all the stuff that has been simply stored over the last four years. And then at 7:30 ... the phone rang.

It was Robert Grieve who is leading the celebration of Barbara's life on the Tuesday. He had met Lisa at Barbara's empty flat ... could I supply some words, some memories? I would be very welcome if I could bring myself to attend. Truth was that I was thinking about attending, ever since talking to Doris, and Robert's gentle approach, which must have been supported by Lisa, convinced me.

Raglan Road is back on again and I'm emotionally exhausted, yet there is more to say, of more care. Later, if not tomorrow.   

Wednesday 12 July

It's been quiet. I was at work yesterday and today. Thoughts of times with Barbara come into consciousness every so often and I think this is grief slipping out - I don't want this to end. It is two weeks since I kissed her forehead but her body still awaits the funeral. I'm sure things happened more quickly in the past. This weekend I visit a TS friend in Norfolk.

My boss, Adrian, spoke to me - he has just lost a close friend and had a couple of days off to go to Cardiff for a memorial service ... we are in a similar place ... saudade - the absence that remains and is ever present.

Thursday 13 July

I heard the applications for Irish citizenship my sister and I have made have been granted. Although I wasn't working today and went to bed late, I was awake at 5am so went into Deal to pick up a package and get some supermarket shopping at 7am. I then had over an hour's sleep late morning before dressing and sorting out some unwanted shoes - for recycling and for charity shops.

Nothing much more has happened today - nail painting, dressing and mooching about. Thoughts of Barbara seep in and are welcomed and every so often I return to the first blog written to picture her at peace. That puts everything into perspective.

And the cactus ... while the flower stalk is withering and I shall not know for a while if there is any seed set, it is having a baby! A little round cactus has appeared!

Monday 10 July

I posted a couple of swimdress pictures on flickr and seeing them alongside the early picture of Barbara made me smile. I know she would not want me to be miserable, but to remember the good times we had together, so despite it being 'early days' I am determined to do that while looking also to the future. It would be all to easy to sink into some maudlin introspective of her final years, but that would be to traduce the memory she would want me to have of her. Since the life-saving surgery of December 2015, she became increasingly disabled and dependent, so whilst not forgetting that, I prefer to slip a little further back in time.

I dressed and Tom came round and we spent a couple of hours chatting about Barbara, travels and dressing, which was very nice. I said he could leave his things, which may have been a surprise for him. It felt a little empty when he left, but that's only to be expected. He mentioned a dressing service in Ramsgate that he has used, which may be interesting in time.

The Cactus and more ... 9 July 2017

It's a sweltering Sunday and I have been sorting household things out.

Tom comes over tomorrow. He would like to dress and if he is comfortable, I am happy to keep his things that I brought over from Barbara's as I have the room, even if I need to organise the house!

This morning I bathed and for the first time in months painted my toenails. Once the household jobs are finished the fingernails will also get a splash of colour ... but first, the cactus.

Several months ago, Barbara acquired a rotund cactus that  she kept on the kitchen windowsill. The plant was flowering and I was interested in looking at it, but the next time I was over, the flower was gone as was its stalk. Then a few weeks later I found the cactus in the bin. According to Barbara it had fallen off the sill and come out of its pot. I rescued it and it seems to be fine and it has developed another flower, which came fully out today. From conversations I suspected that Doris had given Barbara the plant as she had been surprised to hear I had it, so I phoned Doris to tell her about the flower and to hear any news. She was pleased to hear about the flower; there is no date for the funeral yet.

I have been free of tearful moments, but today I had to accept that the transit wheelchair would not be needed any more - we bought it in 2011 - and that brought back so many memories, from the first time we used it at Monkeyworld to Barbara's last day outside hospital. For now I have put it in the shed.

I put a celebratory tribute photo of Barbara on flickr on Friday as to recall our group raising money towards the first Sparkle back in 2003, which is happening again this weekend.

Today was surprising fun. With the hot weather I decided to wear the two swimdresses that I had bought in the BHS closing down sale. With the second one on, I decided it was time to get the hose pipe out! That was remarkably refreshing.

The house sort out continues - it is surprising how much I'm getting done, partly because I know there is no 'end-time' to have to think about.

5 July 2017

Time is constantly moving on and we need to keep up. My life is finite and having given 14 years of it to Barbara, including a last year almost entirely as carer,  I cannot afford time for the younger generation. So it was today that I decided that Barbara's family are in the past.

There are still hangovers and duties to be performed.

Today, I left a message for Barbara's psychiatrist informing her of her death. She rang back and we had a ten minute conversation focusing on Barbara's life torment and the peace she would now be at. It was cathartic. More than that, she basically reiterated what June, my work colleague, had said about my support for Barbara. A sadness is that Lisa will probably continue her life oblivious of the extent of the love Barbara gave her, despite her own torments.

The RSO rang to say Barbara's death certificate was ready. I  simply directed the caller to Lisa.

Yesterday, Jan had rung and it was a difficult conversation. She asked if it would help to go over to their house, but I managed. Jan was Barbara's best remaining friend from Folkestone and I felt she ought to know the circumstances. She said she would contact Robert, so that he would know.

I also sent a text to Sharon as she wanted to keep in contact about the funeral. I had a heart-felt response.

A Few Memories

This isn't wallowing in sentiment; this is recalling being accused of controlling behaviour and worse still, theft, by Lisa's husband.

After Barbara died I went to her flat and gave Doris, who lives opposite,  the sad news. At Barbara's I removed her most intimate things that she wanted no one else to know about. I also cleaned up what may have be lucozade spills, or such, from her trolley and bedside cabinet and just tried to make her bedside clean and tidy. I found her secret stashes of sweets and binned them. I also phoned the solicitors, the undertakers and tried getting hold of the Relatives Support Office at the hospital. Later Lisa arrived. She started clearing food cupboards while I went round the flat collecting Barbara's prescription drugs to return to the pharmacy, which I did as well as get some fresh milk. Doris came in for a cup of tea and also helped clear some food.

We talked of bits and pieces, Lisa saying that Barbara's taste in ornaments etc. didn't match hers and I said there were things I could take. Nothing further was done that day except that after Lisa left I stripped the bed. Walking around my eyes fell on Barbara's painting and drawing things and I felt that this could be a living memory, something to use, something to ask Lisa about. On the Thursday I went to work. Lisa and I agreed to meet on the Friday to carry on clearing things. In the meantime the RSO at the WHH got in touch and it was agreed to use me as a point of contact.

On Friday I took some bubble wrap, my indoor tool box and an empty box over. I loaded my sewing machine into the car together with my photographs and a couple of ornaments loaned to Barbara. I then collected the ornaments that I had given Barbara together with a few things of Barbara's that would be nice memories and loaded them in the car (the fox and chicken ornament, the delft vase, the bronze and the Whitefriars vases which Lisa had previously indicated were of no interest to her). Doris came over and we discussed pictures and the funeral, including the Arab pictures, one of which had been damaged in the move from Folkestone and which I had at home as I was I was going to have reframed for Barbara. It was also agreed that I take the 40" TV.

After Lisa left I tidied the DVDs and CDs and put Lisa's wedding ring in the DVD drawer (she had taken it off to do some washing up and forgotten it). I got the small cage out for Monty. I took the tablet as that had information of mine on it, the Sainsbury's account (linked to my bank account) and link to my flickr account. I meant to clear those and return it and suggest Amy might like it.


I left a note for Lisa as if she did not want the small white IKEA units I could use them, also the cane dresser that Barbara had for her makeup parlour, and a reminder where I had put her ring. After I left I remembered the small window was open. I emailed Lisa to say about the window and that I might be over later Sunday pm. I did not receive a reply.

On the Sunday, I remained concerned about the window, knowing Monty was to be moved so I rang the flat and spoke to Lisa. She sounded fine and we joked about the window. She said that Mark had said that the Arab pictures had been promised to him by Barbara. I said I would bring back the damaged one.

This morning (Monday) I drove to the flat. I expected it would be time to get the death registered and start the ball rolling in respect of the reading of the will and the funeral. Lisa's car was parked there and I went up. Lisa wasn't there but Mark was. He ushered me into the living room and bade me sit down. He said it was all coming home to Lisa and I indicated that it was the same for me. He then launched into an outrageous diatribe, basically saying I was trying to control everything and was saying things were mine and taking them and that if I did not return them he would call the police. The order of the following may not be 100% but covers the thrust of what was said. Basically he said I was manipulating the situation; that the family could manage; and that he wanted to come round to my place because I said I had things from Francis Road there. (I had previously told Lisa that I still had stuff from there to sort out, but had not explained what (the mini fridge I had bought so Barbara didn't have to go down the stairs at night, lampshades etc.)). I showed him Barbara's will, which leaves everything to Lisa and told him Barbara and I had been lovers for 14 years. None of this seemed to give him cause to reflect ... ? At least three times Mark threatened to call the police and at one stage attempted to stop me leaving the flat. He then said he and Lisa would be sorting everything out ... funeral and all.

I went across to Doris's and gave her the cucumber I had picked from the greenhouse for her. I told her I'd been accused of stealing and that I was no longer involved in anything. Mark appeared, but nothing more was said. Doris does not need the hassle. I went down to the car and fetched the damaged Arab picture as I had said I would to Lisa. (I suspect that it is these that got Mark going - I didn't know and Lisa didn't know that Barbara had promised them to him - if she ever did).

He was on the phone to Lisa and passed the phone to me - Lisa basically said that she hadn't known what she was doing last week and they wanted the things back and that she didn't know Barbara and I had been lovers and that they were managing the funeral. I asked if I could I hang onto the painting things that I'd already mentioned to her on the phone. She said yes. I then turned to leave and Mark said Lisa wants to know if I'm still coming to the funeral - I finally burst and my reply was shouted - "No, after all, I'm only a friend, not family!"

Downstairs I talked to Glen explaining the change in situation and that I needed to bring a few things back but then would not need keys. He reminded me about the tenancy termination etc. I said it was nothing to do with me any more. He was sympathetic. I then went to my car and remembered the Ford keys and so I took those back and told Glen I would tell Mark about the termination as I had to return the keys.

Upstairs I handed Mark the keys, told him that the two CDs on the unit shelf had songs Barbara wanted and that Glen asked that they read the paperwork. Doris was in the kitchen - I said I would be in touch to her and then left.

In summary I was  manipulating, controlling and thieving. This evening I drove back to Ashford and deposited the things I thought I had willingly been given, together with the tablet and £200 contingency money.

Four Days Later

Thoughts of Barbara have not pervaded too much. Visiting and saying goodbye has fixed an icon in my mind that I am able to draw on at will and use as a focus on which good memories can be hung. There is still pent up emotion which comes out when hearing pieces of music and that has made choosing music for her funeral both cathartic and confusing. Over Wednesday and Thursday I avoided people and their well-intentioned sympathy where possible for the same reason, but have started making simple statements of fact without becoming incoherent.

Thursday morning was spent trying to make sure all was in order for Barbara. Robert rang to get Lisa's address for a letter of condolence. The Relatives Support Office and I made contact and knowing the death certificate is not likely to be issued before Monday took a deal of stress away. In the afternoon I did some office work and attended a work meeting.I decided to start actively re-engaging with flickr as life does go on.

I thought Jen, who Barbara had been so friendly with, should know, but could find no address which would go directly to her, but found Jenny's and knowing they are friends, left a message. We have not had contact for years, but a response came quickly from Jenny, so word will spread.

My dear friend Gia has been a wonderful support. Deeanna found out from Gia and sent a sweet message and Pamela has reminded me of an invitation to Ireland.

Clearly, word is spreading, but I'm not sure how; Angela from the old SCCD days emailed, which was nice of her.

Friday was spent at the flat with Lisa and Doris, and we made good headway clearing the day-to-day things. At 4 pm I had my haircut and it was surprisingly easy talking to Karla. When I got home there were quite a few emails and I relaxed during the evening to the extent that I was posting back on flickr and commenting on pictures and I won £120 on the lottery instant wins.

Saturday, I just took it easy at home, tidying bits and pieces. I booked somewhere to stay near Dartmoor for October, ordered a new wig on the backs of last night's winnings as well as a a couple of tops and a tunic dress. I've been waiting all day for Hermes to pick up a Bonprix return.

Rather than dwell too much on the past, I have contacted Lindsay and will go and visit her before long. She talks of visiting Sutton Hoo and Anglo-Saxon Round Houses which are right up my street.

Tomorrow I shall go back to the flat in the late afternoon. Monty, the gender-indefinite budgerigar will have gone to  his/her new home and so there will be no need for the TV to stay and I 'll be able to bring it back with me.

In the end, the thought of the empty flat, without even Monty was too upsetting so I decided not to go.

A Sad Goodbye

6.15 am 28 June 2017

The phone rang. I was already awake, but hoping to doze for another hour. It was the hospital. Barbara has passed away. In a confusion of sleepiness and tears I said I could be there within the hour. I threw on some clothes and then my mobile rang. It was Lisa, letting me know. I drove to the William Harvey, some 45 minutes away and letting the tears flow, was shown into the side room I had spent so many hours in over the last five days. It was quiet and the overcast morning shed a soft light. The nurse gently lifted the sheet from her face and there she lay, all pain ended, nightmares gone, all her abusers dismissed into the oblivion she could not drive them into while her tortured mind was active. She was at last free. She was at peace. I stroked her warm cheek, kissed her forehead and whispered my love and goodbye.

For years I had thought about writing a blog, but it seemed such a self-indulgence. Now, I see it as a thread to memory, to love, and a future.