Ah, it's that day again

lots of random thoughts interspersed with micro-sleeps ...

listening to Nico on youtube ... desertshore etc.

reading Yeats with tears ...

Though I am old with wandering

Through hollow lands and hilly lands,

I will find out where she has gone,

And kiss her lips and take her hands;

And walk among long dappled grass,

And pluck till time and times are done

The silver apples of the moon,

The golden apples of the sun.

Barbara's passing has brought about change in me. Mis-quoting Yeats, the centre cannot hold ... the stiff upper lip is no more and tears come as gentle rain whenever some sadness arises.

Yet, I do not think I am melancholic ... I have just given up a little more hiding.

It is now February, late Winter, a season of dashed hopes as days draw out only to be denied by bitter northerly winds. Spring will come, but not yet.

I copied the photos of Amy onto a disc a few days ago so I can, if I decide to, send them to Lisa. Somehow, I doubt I shall ... the pain is too deep.

On a practical theme, the cost of supporting Barbara in her last years, which was given freely, means that I should tighten my belt, but for what? That would only make me mean-spirited, and so I shall continue to live as I have done for the time that is given me.

I started a new blog, to record life moving forward, while this one reflects on times past - images, memories, and even sounds. Since Barbara died I have not been able to clear my answerphone, which has been full for months with messages from her. These are not sweet messages, they record pain, loneliness and despair. Not only have I been uneasy with the thought of listening to them, the idea of deleting them makes me feel as if it were a final abandonment of someone in such need. Today, 2/12, I made a start. I think I deleted ten. Those few (two) which were simply messages, were easy and almost comforting to listen to and then say farewell to. The remainder, those in despair ... silent or asking why I wasn't answering, bring back her pain and the volatility of her emotional state. They cover late November, 2016 to early January 2017.

On 01/12 I managed to delete another 12 messages, covering until 8th Feb.  The first call, on 30th Jan was simply a message saying she had to go into hospital, the last on the 8th simply said 'it's urgent'.

27 November

For the last week I have been thinking about Pauline and how she is going to manage with Parkinson's. Her doctor has put her on Sinemet plus,(LDopa + extracellular enzyme inhibitor), prescribed for Parkinson's or Parkinson's-type symptoms. Plans will have to be made, either to put this place into some sort of order (rewiring, plumbing) or something else such as buying a small bungalow somewhere for when her mobility becomes too much for her living in her flat and when driving becomes untenable. That will wait until she has seen the neurologist. In the meanwhile, she should get as much pleasure as she can from life. So it has been that I have been thinking about Ireland next May. I have suggested she might want to join me. I shall still go to Dundalk, Pauline would be able to fly back from Knock and be met by her sister (I hope).

Yesterday, I had an email from Lindsay - I had been getting concerned at her lack of contact, but she is like that, anyway. Her asthma has come back and is interfering with her life.

I've not been doing much, a touch of SAD, I think, but I don't want to force myself into doing things that then 'bite back'. I have been back to the water colours and find that very satisfying, slowly learning about washes.

Greek continues and remains interesting - I think I may look to a Crete trip next Autumn, but that will depend on Pauline's health.

13 November

I returned from Dartmoor feeling relaxed. I had decided that I would hand in my resignation on Tuesday unless I was given some clear idea as to why the approach to GI had changed. I spent the weekend washing and relaxing. On the Tuesday, I had a meeting with A and E-J at which A announced I would be starting the GI work in January. I was a little nonplussed by this 180 degree about-face and arranged with E-J to talk it through later that week.

Tom came over on the Friday and we just chatted, rather than do any painting (well I hadn't done any for a while). He was heading off somewhere in the evening which I later worked out was Club DV8. I'm not entirely sure he knew what he was heading into as he has no apparent interest in 'that' side of things. Then I thought, as someone who has been to North Korea, just out of interest, it may be that he takes all that in his stride - I can't wait to find out the next time he comes round!

On the evening of the 31st P came round and we set off for Greek evening class. That was something she had arranged (and paid for) in late September. Being in adult ed she could attend free. I had been in two minds as although she has been very supportive of the situation with Barbara, I was a little concerned that she sensed a vacuum that she could fill (in the nicest possible way). Her health had clearly deteriorated and she thought it might be an unusual side effect of the betablocker she had been prescribed for the left hand tremor.

My sister had also emailed her concern about P's health after the Tankerton visit. Although I can process what the outcome of this is likely to be, I am unable to 'engage' very much as I am still in grief over Barbara and I also am having some mild reaction to the space and time I suddenly find I have. If it is Parkinson's it is coming on very quickly and that could call for a major change in lifestyle for her and, by default, for me as I cannot countenance the idea of not supporting her when she is in need. She has a neurological consultation at the beginning of January, but needs some decent pain control until then.

The first part of November I have been pre-occupied with Barbara's birthday. I had earlier contacted Ashford BC and found out that her ashes had been interred in her father's grave in September and details of the grave location were emailed to me. I phoned Doris and arranged to pick her up to go to the cemetery on the morning of B's birthday (9th) to lay some flowers. There is no marker and I found her grave by counting those nearby. Doris has aged - she has great difficulty with her hips and is developing fluid in her lower legs, probably from enforced inactivity.

Robert had invited me to go to the Remembrance service at St John's on the 12th as a candle would be lit for Barbara there, but because of the family I declined. I did light a candle for her here, though. P came round on the Sunday having cancelled a trip to Cornwall and Dorset. She seemed a little more mobile than at the previous Tuesday 's Greek. We watched the film War Horse on TV, which has quite neatly rounded off the last few months.

24 October

Back from my trip to Dartmoor. This has been waiting for me to post an edited version of my Calstock Diary ... which I have yet to do! (13 Nov)

Before I Go, 11 October

I posted a picture on flickr of Black-a-Tor copse from earlier this year on Dartmoor. It took a couple of hours to do, as there was a lot of sentiment to swim through. But it was not a popular addition (are mine, ever?) so I made it private after a couple of days. The text for the picture follows:

"Next week, weather allowing, I should manage to visit Piles Copse, the last of the three recorded remnant ancient woodlands on the moor.

There will be other places, as the concatenations continue ... where I'm headed is the SW of the moor where most of War Horse was filmed and last night I saw the stage production of the same. That came about because of my visit to East Grinstead last month to see John Tams (he provided the songs for the stage production) who reminded the audience that War Horse was about to go on tour ... and, of course, it had just started in Canterbury!

The War Horse connection with Devon (so, Dartmoor) is from the book, by Michael Morpurgo, who lives there ... so here is Johns Tams singing the Devonshire Carol from War Horse ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nE9r6VA-Qmo&list=PLkY2fXMgw60C_nkt0u8Wmp3XeBvCCFSyOAnd the John Tams connection leads back to a birthday treat for Barbara at East Grinstead back in 2010.

I think someone in her heaven is spinning a web of connections for me!

I'll leave this here for a little while.

P.S.
The lyrics of the Carol (as sung by John Tams) can be difficult to follow, but I found them on the mudcat.org site -
THE DEVONSHIRE CAROL
(as sung by John Tams)

The lambkin in the manger the light upon the lea
The moorland yields to glory the shepherds bend the knee
And all are wrapped in grace and all are gifted mirth
Peace walks upon this blessed land
Peace walks upon this blessed land
Peace walks upon this blessed land
Goodwill upon all Earth

The ploughboy and his traces, the line upon the land
All's gift by Nature's graces her bounty to command
And all are wrapped in grace and all are gifted mirth
Peace walks upon this blessed land
Peace walks upon this blessed land
Peace walks upon this blessed land
Goodwill upon all Earth

Tommy in the meadow, Tommy in the byre
Tommy on the firestep, Tommy on the wire
And those who walked in war and those who walked in peace
And those who walked this blessed land
And those who walked this blessed land
And those who walked this blessed land
Their souls shall never cease.

Stand to, me bonny lads, stand to and make you ready
Stand to, me bonny lads, hold the line right steady.
Let pride burn through the flame, this day shall bear your name
Stand to, me bonny lads, hold the line right steady
And those who walked in war and those who cherished peace
And those who walked this blessed land
And those who walked this blessed land
And those who walked this blessed land
Their souls shall never cease."

25 September

Another chapter opens as I am determined to 'improve' the garden for 2018, lose weight (I don't mind if dresses no longer fit, they are replaceable), get fit (I'm off to Dartmoor in under 3 weeks) and get back to reading.

So, what's brought this about? Everyday for about six months , while waiting for my bath to fill, was spent reading Robert St John's book 'From the Land of Silent People' recounting his departure from Yugoslavia as the Germans invaded in WW2. My interest was that he went to Crete and also that my uncle was engaged in the war and died when his plane crashed flying back from Albania to Greece.  Once read, I quickly switched to Dilys Powell's 'The Villa Ariadne' which recounts the people who populated Sir Arthur Evans house at Knossos. This confirmed that reading settled things in my brain better than scanning the laptop screen.

After Barbara's memorial lunch I was unsettled. That continued through the next day and, to an extent, still lingers. But, I have equipment to prepare ground for a wild flower area and for preparation of a vegetable patch. The preparation of the latter started years ago when I took up an old path and relaid it elsewhere and started tipping lawn cuttings etc on the bare ground to provide some compost. I was tempted to just find another part of the garden as the original site was piled high with woody cuttings and lawn clippings. On Saturday I decided that I must follow my original idea and after 11 hours spread over the next three days, I removed 5 yard sacks of un-composted leaves etc., and 4 green sacks of chipped woody growth and the area is about ready for the tiller.

The exercise bike has come out and after a rather boring time on it on Sunday evening I realised I needed the kindle! So tonight, the TV was put on silent, French Cafe Music played and after strapping the kindle to the bike I rode while reading the first 3 chapters of Elizabeth Bennet, covering some 6 hypothetical Km. The book kept my interest, and I cycled to my fancy (and in time with the music) ... this seems to work.

21 September

Today was the memorial lunch for Barbara with Robert, Les and Jan. Doris was unable to attend as she had to go to for tests on her hip. There's not  much to say except a story I'd never heard before. When Barbara was working at the Rainbow charity shop she would let small children play with things in the 50p toys box while their mothers looked around the shop and then when they left she would let the children take what they were playing with, for free.

I am unsettled. I think the loss moves into a new phase. Rather than the loss of the immediate presence of Barbara (although that pops up at its own will ... tales I would like tell her etc. and I still can't approach the answerphone messages) it is more a deeper remembrance of the times we shared together. The pain is not so acute, but is there as a chronic background ache.

1st to 18th September

Oh, this blog is slipping rather. Perhaps that's good, perhaps it reflects an increasingly busy life.


On Friday, 1st September I drove up to Suffolk to have another weekend with Lindsay. I stopped at Long Melford and visited Holy Trinity Church, which was stunning. I was really pleased to photograph the Three Hares window as well as the Queen of Hearts (Elizabeth de Mowbray) window, but there was much more, including the Lily-Crucifix window. I ran out of time. Lindsay and I had arranged to go to the same Italian restaurant we had been to one my previous visit, but we turned up to find a wedding party had booked the whole place! We ended up at the Blue Boar at Oulton, which was fine and probably better value.

The next day we took a slow drive to Felbrigg Hall. I think Lindsay likes the fact I'm a life member of the NT as she gets in for free! Felbrigg Hall was very interesting as it was as it had been when lived in by Robert Wyndham Ketton-Cremer, who bequeathed it to the trust. We stopped at Waitrose at North Walsham on the way back and bought a snack for dinner. On Sunday we took a lazy stroll along the promenade at Lowestoft and had lunch in a vegetarian cafe/art gallery which was good. I like Lindsay, but at times her intellectual sharpness (which she has in spades) can be testing. On Monday I 'slo-mo'd' home. I had a very bad night and switched working days to Wed/Thurs.

The Three Hares picture is now my desktop! But apart from that the working week is not going very well; there is silence about Brit; her desk has gone and I have no idea about any documentation etc. I asked June about it and she knew nothing - we agreed that we Brit would not be to blame if she'd just left with everything and given nothing, she was badly treated. June told me she's applied to work next door. All is changing. 

Les had left a message about 'Barbara's' fish and chip dinner. I checked the suggested date with Doris and phoned back to firm the arrangement. Doris asked if I would check her scooter and admitted she had no heart for taking it out. I will suggest she might want to sell it (she will have to take a hefty loss, sadly).

Friday I played some more at painting. A second go at the Stourhead picture the previous week had corrected some of the early mistakes and then I switched to the Alhambra picture to focus on washes. That worked even better and I am now starting to see how to bring a painting alive. I found the sheet which may have been the picture Barbara drew of a toddler. I shall keep it.

My eyelids are clear of dermatitis and I've been dressing fully much more frequently - it is so relaxing until the narcissus in me blooms and I need to take photos!

Work on Tuesday and Wednesday. I had decided to focus just on landscape unless someone asked for assistance elsewhere, which Luke did ... I agreed with him that turtle doves are a reason for a planning refusal, as long as there are other reasons as well. The mapping across the north of the district is almost done. June has her new job and will be moving across at the end of the month. At a meeting with LUC and Mike and Adrian on Wednesday I became aware that all the fields around me were to be proposed for housing and there was talk of a new village; also E-J mentioned at the meeting that we would be going out to a consultant for GI. I guess that's that. I fixed a meeting with Mike for the following Tuesday. I worked at home in the afternoon as the chimney sweep was due round (£30 this year). I phoned Doris to confirm next Thursday with her to hear that she has a bad hip and that she has to go to the WHH for a scan. I told her to let me know the outcome. 

On Thursday and Friday I finished re-arranging the main bedroom and I have just two mirrors to hang. I've moved the 'studio' photo equipment into it as there is more space than anywhere else. I had some fun with waxing a wig to give more of a back-combed look and tried out my lace dress, which I adore, although the neckline can be awkward. 



Saturday 16th was always going to be testing and I was depressed about work, but I had to return to East Grinstead. It turned out OK. Perhaps it was the magic of Three.

The Magic of Three - years ago, after a lay off from mountain walking for some years, I encountered an interesting character, John Dixon, at the taverna where I was staying in Crete. John was thin and tall with long hair and proudly showed his walking boots which were handmade for him. It was clear he had experience in walking, but I think it was his first time to Crete as he seemed to have strange ideas about the country and the Cretans - he was quite eccentric, but he helped give me confidence in walking in mountains again. He had this belief that anything that you could find three reasons for its being was propitious.  At our last meal he did recount the time he had spent in a mental hospital, but, hey, everyone's different! That evening a Belgian walker arrived - tall, thin, long hair ... John said it was a gathering! He was a very kind individual and had published several guides to walking the hills near his home. I found out some years later that he had died and was sad about that, he had added value to my life.

Anyway, there were three things I planned to do. To visit to Standen House, built in 1892, an 'Arts and Crafts' house built for a rich solicitor and decorated with William Morris designed fabrics; to photograph the statue of Archibald McIndoe, the pioneering plastic surgeon who treated WW2 pilots suffering from what we now call 'life-changing' burns; and most testing, to go to a concert by John Tams and Barry Coope. All were pleasantly achieved, if at times the concert was a bit tearful.

Now I am free from the responsibilities of being a 'carer' but have the emptiness that goes with losing such a special person, I am trying to find things to do to fill up my head wherever I go, including National Trust properties and I saw that Standen House was at East Grinstead. I knew nothing about it, but it turned out to be very impressive - Arts and Crafts, William Morris etc. with lovely grounds ... a lots of over-excited children! I stayed there until 17.00 and then drove into town to photograph the McIndoe statue.

After a life-saving operation in December 2015 and 3 weeks in intensive care afterwards, Barbara then had plastic surgery at East Grinstead to close a large open wound in her abdomen. A 7"x 5" skin graft was taken from her thigh. It sustained her for the next 15 months until June 28, this year. The Royal Victoria Hospital at East Grinstead is a centre of excellence for plastic and reconstructive surgery, a reputation founded by Archibald McIndoe who devised new ways for treating pilots and others with severe burns. East Grinstead prides itself as having been ''the town that did not stare'. That still has meaning as medics were fascinated by B's abdomen after she had the skin transplant and took any opportunity to look. In addition to the statue I also found that the town boasts one of the longest continuous runs of 14th-century timber-framed buildings in England as well as Sackville College, a 1609 almshouse where 'Good King Wenceslas' was written back in the 19th C.

I arrived at the Chequer Mead theatre about 17.30 and sat in the car reading one of the books I had put in to take to a charity shop! About 18.30 I went in (the first person) and was glad I had done as there was a dramatic thunderstorm so after with hail and sheets of rain.

The concert was the first return by John Tams and Barry Coope to East Grinstead since 2010 when Barbara and I saw them as a birthday treat for B and, I think mentioned elsewhere, her head appears in a final millisecond of a youtube video of part of that performance. This time, of course, I was alone. The first song was the hardest as the memories flooded back, but from then on it was reasonable OK until 'Will I see thee more?'Again, from 2010  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JqGz2AzmrQ That was tough. By now the night was gentle and I drove slowly home.

Sunday, I needed to be sharp as Pauline and I were meeting up with my sister and family at her daughter's in-laws in Tankerton. It was OK and we arranged to go to my niece's for Christmas. I need to ensure that I retain my own time and space, 'though, I need it. Most importantly, my sister had my Irish citizenship papers!

Today I'm fiddling with photos and writing this blog. I'm dressed and playing the John Tams while writing this released emotion I had kept in a little at the weekend - I spoilt my make up! P is having blood tests as there is some concern that she may have Parkinson's.

27 - 30 August 2017

Monday 21, was fine - the charity shop encounter awakened my senses.

Tuesday 22, I went into work before going out on site to check landscape.

Wednesday 23, I went into work and had a meeting with ER-J, Brit and Martin Randall (RSPB)   ... afterwards B and E-J updated me ... B is leaving ... that is a disaster and I may also leave. Late Wednesday Alison and I attended the UOTD Dover Totems opening - good fun all round with a hog roast. Everyone was very friendly - Roger W and Sue C, and I had a good chat with Roger Wragg.

Thursday 24, household duties called and I carried on the slow sort out of all the things left undone over the last three years.

Friday 25, I was looking forward to Tom coming round and dressed ... new stripey MandCo top over a long skirt. Tom dressed and we got straight into watercolour painting. I found a picture of the White Cliffs and found the Yarmouth Herring Buss pane on the PC. We used those. All in all a very pleasant and rewarding couple of hours learning the rudiments of painting. I sat for a while after he had gone, reading a book on watercolour painting that Barbara had.

Saturday 26, I started a new painting, trying to copy the Stourhead photo ... it rapidly went wrong, but I didn't mind as that's the point - to learn. after I just took it easy as in the evening P and I were due to go to the Astor for Chris's 65th. Chris's 'non-party' turned out very well. There was a string quartet to begin, then a gluten-free snack buffet (chickpea batter for fish works very well) followed by an extended version of 'The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly'. We sat with the lesbian neighbours who are always good company.

Sunday 27, I almost finished cleaning the main room and dressed.

Monday 28th,

Tuesday  29th, Adrian cancelled the team meeting on the basis not many were in - there were six of us and we think he didn't want to have to deal with Brit's departure. As usual I went home at lunchtime and carried on working from there. June had a map for me, which was a relief, as I was worried that she wouldn't be able to do my GIS work.

I took Wednesday off as I was going in on Thursday for Brit's leaving lunch. Adrian wasn't in the office which was a relief all round. We went to the Ciderworks and I treated everyone to a drink. Afterwards I went home to carry on mapping there.

Monday 21 August - A Lovely Lady

On Thursday I spent the whole day dressed (but only did my face in the afternoon, which seems to work with my skin). I phoned Les and Jan about fish 'n chips. That will be September. Also, I organised the chimney sweep and did some work in the garden. In the afternoon I spent a couple of hours on the landscape work, which I am quite comfortable doing. A few pictures found their way onto flickr. I ordered the electronics for the SAD lamp and my replacement Canon lens arrived.

 Pauline arrived back from her 'Grand Tour' on Thursday night and came over on Friday to unload the French wine, as well as a bottle of organic Asbach for me, which was very nice. I cooked fish 'n chips - Sea Bream, followed by blackberries from the garden.

On Saturday I continued working in the main bedroom, sorting things out, hoovering, dusting, securing from rodents etc. all of which meant emptying clothes racks and finding yet more stuff for charity shops, but since my car boot was full, I just put them aside. Later that day I dressed and had a pleasant time in the warm late sunshine, but I was feeling a bit 'rough'. Pictures are on flickr. That 'rough' feeling was still with me on Sunday - I think I probably overdid things, with a lot of memories etc. coming into play. Pauline came over and I managed to break one of this year's blackberry brandy kilner jars, which really did not help me!  Anyway, things turned out OK in the end and we had slow-cooked venison stew, preceded by a revelation.

Last year I had cooked tomatoes in olive oil as I do with a glut and also roasted a couple of Aubergines before freezing them. Wanting to continue the freezer clear out, I decided to put them in a pan and serve with the venison (even though the flavours don't really match). They were cooked in a pan on the hob from frozen and after 30 minutes, the Aubergines had lost all their water and absorbed the oil from the tomatoes. I added some Ras el Hanout and the zest of half a lemon and we had it as a starter. The spices and lemon complimented the vegetables superbly -  a new starter is born.

After Pauline left I decided not to watch any Game of Thrones (I've been watching every night since I bought the set and I still can't remember who is who) but settled down to Celebrity Masterchef of which I saw about 30 minutes before falling into a deep sleep. I struggled to get to bed sometime later.

I had already decided today to do a major shop and decided to go to Folkestone and drop the charity things in at Barbara's charity shop. I said to the manager I had gone there because a friend used to work there and he asked who. When I mentioned Barbara, he couldn't sing her praises highly enough - "Our favourite, a lovely lady, so friendly to everyone". I just about managed to say she had recently died and that the goods being deposited were on her behalf before leaving the shop with tears welling up. It was well done.

I then went to Sainsbury's and bought almost everything I could need for the coming week, including more brandy for the blackberries.