I started a new blog, to record life moving forward, while this one reflects on times past - images, memories, and even sounds. Since Barbara died I have not been able to clear my answerphone, which has been full for months with messages from her. These are not sweet messages, they record pain, loneliness and despair. Not only have I been uneasy with the thought of listening to them, the idea of deleting them makes me feel as if it were a final abandonment of someone in such need. Today, 2/12, I made a start. I think I deleted ten. Those few (two) which were simply messages, were easy and almost comforting to listen to and then say farewell to. The remainder, those in despair ... silent or asking why I wasn't answering, bring back her pain and the volatility of her emotional state. They cover late November, 2016 to early January 2017.

On 01/12 I managed to delete another 12 messages, covering until 8th Feb.  The first call, on 30th Jan was simply a message saying she had to go into hospital, the last on the 8th simply said 'it's urgent'.