Ah, it's that day again

lots of random thoughts interspersed with micro-sleeps ...

listening to Nico on youtube ... desertshore etc.

reading Yeats with tears ...

Though I am old with wandering

Through hollow lands and hilly lands,

I will find out where she has gone,

And kiss her lips and take her hands;

And walk among long dappled grass,

And pluck till time and times are done

The silver apples of the moon,

The golden apples of the sun.

Barbara's passing has brought about change in me. Mis-quoting Yeats, the centre cannot hold ... the stiff upper lip is no more and tears come as gentle rain whenever some sadness arises.

Yet, I do not think I am melancholic ... I have just given up a little more hiding.

It is now February, late Winter, a season of dashed hopes as days draw out only to be denied by bitter northerly winds. Spring will come, but not yet.

I copied the photos of Amy onto a disc a few days ago so I can, if I decide to, send them to Lisa. Somehow, I doubt I shall ... the pain is too deep.

On a practical theme, the cost of supporting Barbara in her last years, which was given freely, means that I should tighten my belt, but for what? That would only make me mean-spirited, and so I shall continue to live as I have done for the time that is given me.

I started a new blog, to record life moving forward, while this one reflects on times past - images, memories, and even sounds. Since Barbara died I have not been able to clear my answerphone, which has been full for months with messages from her. These are not sweet messages, they record pain, loneliness and despair. Not only have I been uneasy with the thought of listening to them, the idea of deleting them makes me feel as if it were a final abandonment of someone in such need. Today, 2/12, I made a start. I think I deleted ten. Those few (two) which were simply messages, were easy and almost comforting to listen to and then say farewell to. The remainder, those in despair ... silent or asking why I wasn't answering, bring back her pain and the volatility of her emotional state. They cover late November, 2016 to early January 2017.

On 01/12 I managed to delete another 12 messages, covering until 8th Feb.  The first call, on 30th Jan was simply a message saying she had to go into hospital, the last on the 8th simply said 'it's urgent'.

27 November

For the last week I have been thinking about Pauline and how she is going to manage with Parkinson's. Her doctor has put her on Sinemet plus,(LDopa + extracellular enzyme inhibitor), prescribed for Parkinson's or Parkinson's-type symptoms. Plans will have to be made, either to put this place into some sort of order (rewiring, plumbing) or something else such as buying a small bungalow somewhere for when her mobility becomes too much for her living in her flat and when driving becomes untenable. That will wait until she has seen the neurologist. In the meanwhile, she should get as much pleasure as she can from life. So it has been that I have been thinking about Ireland next May. I have suggested she might want to join me. I shall still go to Dundalk, Pauline would be able to fly back from Knock and be met by her sister (I hope).

Yesterday, I had an email from Lindsay - I had been getting concerned at her lack of contact, but she is like that, anyway. Her asthma has come back and is interfering with her life.

I've not been doing much, a touch of SAD, I think, but I don't want to force myself into doing things that then 'bite back'. I have been back to the water colours and find that very satisfying, slowly learning about washes.

Greek continues and remains interesting - I think I may look to a Crete trip next Autumn, but that will depend on Pauline's health.

13 November

I returned from Dartmoor feeling relaxed. I had decided that I would hand in my resignation on Tuesday unless I was given some clear idea as to why the approach to GI had changed. I spent the weekend washing and relaxing. On the Tuesday, I had a meeting with A and E-J at which A announced I would be starting the GI work in January. I was a little nonplussed by this 180 degree about-face and arranged with E-J to talk it through later that week.

Tom came over on the Friday and we just chatted, rather than do any painting (well I hadn't done any for a while). He was heading off somewhere in the evening which I later worked out was Club DV8. I'm not entirely sure he knew what he was heading into as he has no apparent interest in 'that' side of things. Then I thought, as someone who has been to North Korea, just out of interest, it may be that he takes all that in his stride - I can't wait to find out the next time he comes round!

On the evening of the 31st P came round and we set off for Greek evening class. That was something she had arranged (and paid for) in late September. Being in adult ed she could attend free. I had been in two minds as although she has been very supportive of the situation with Barbara, I was a little concerned that she sensed a vacuum that she could fill (in the nicest possible way). Her health had clearly deteriorated and she thought it might be an unusual side effect of the betablocker she had been prescribed for the left hand tremor.

My sister had also emailed her concern about P's health after the Tankerton visit. Although I can process what the outcome of this is likely to be, I am unable to 'engage' very much as I am still in grief over Barbara and I also am having some mild reaction to the space and time I suddenly find I have. If it is Parkinson's it is coming on very quickly and that could call for a major change in lifestyle for her and, by default, for me as I cannot countenance the idea of not supporting her when she is in need. She has a neurological consultation at the beginning of January, but needs some decent pain control until then.

The first part of November I have been pre-occupied with Barbara's birthday. I had earlier contacted Ashford BC and found out that her ashes had been interred in her father's grave in September and details of the grave location were emailed to me. I phoned Doris and arranged to pick her up to go to the cemetery on the morning of B's birthday (9th) to lay some flowers. There is no marker and I found her grave by counting those nearby. Doris has aged - she has great difficulty with her hips and is developing fluid in her lower legs, probably from enforced inactivity.

Robert had invited me to go to the Remembrance service at St John's on the 12th as a candle would be lit for Barbara there, but because of the family I declined. I did light a candle for her here, though. P came round on the Sunday having cancelled a trip to Cornwall and Dorset. She seemed a little more mobile than at the previous Tuesday 's Greek. We watched the film War Horse on TV, which has quite neatly rounded off the last few months.

24 October

Back from my trip to Dartmoor. This has been waiting for me to post an edited version of my Calstock Diary ... which I have yet to do! (13 Nov)

Before I Go, 11 October

I posted a picture on flickr of Black-a-Tor copse from earlier this year on Dartmoor. It took a couple of hours to do, as there was a lot of sentiment to swim through. But it was not a popular addition (are mine, ever?) so I made it private after a couple of days. The text for the picture follows:

"Next week, weather allowing, I should manage to visit Piles Copse, the last of the three recorded remnant ancient woodlands on the moor.

There will be other places, as the concatenations continue ... where I'm headed is the SW of the moor where most of War Horse was filmed and last night I saw the stage production of the same. That came about because of my visit to East Grinstead last month to see John Tams (he provided the songs for the stage production) who reminded the audience that War Horse was about to go on tour ... and, of course, it had just started in Canterbury!

The War Horse connection with Devon (so, Dartmoor) is from the book, by Michael Morpurgo, who lives there ... so here is Johns Tams singing the Devonshire Carol from War Horse ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nE9r6VA-Qmo&list=PLkY2fXMgw60C_nkt0u8Wmp3XeBvCCFSyOAnd the John Tams connection leads back to a birthday treat for Barbara at East Grinstead back in 2010.

I think someone in her heaven is spinning a web of connections for me!

I'll leave this here for a little while.

P.S.
The lyrics of the Carol (as sung by John Tams) can be difficult to follow, but I found them on the mudcat.org site -
THE DEVONSHIRE CAROL
(as sung by John Tams)

The lambkin in the manger the light upon the lea
The moorland yields to glory the shepherds bend the knee
And all are wrapped in grace and all are gifted mirth
Peace walks upon this blessed land
Peace walks upon this blessed land
Peace walks upon this blessed land
Goodwill upon all Earth

The ploughboy and his traces, the line upon the land
All's gift by Nature's graces her bounty to command
And all are wrapped in grace and all are gifted mirth
Peace walks upon this blessed land
Peace walks upon this blessed land
Peace walks upon this blessed land
Goodwill upon all Earth

Tommy in the meadow, Tommy in the byre
Tommy on the firestep, Tommy on the wire
And those who walked in war and those who walked in peace
And those who walked this blessed land
And those who walked this blessed land
And those who walked this blessed land
Their souls shall never cease.

Stand to, me bonny lads, stand to and make you ready
Stand to, me bonny lads, hold the line right steady.
Let pride burn through the flame, this day shall bear your name
Stand to, me bonny lads, hold the line right steady
And those who walked in war and those who cherished peace
And those who walked this blessed land
And those who walked this blessed land
And those who walked this blessed land
Their souls shall never cease."

25 September

Another chapter opens as I am determined to 'improve' the garden for 2018, lose weight (I don't mind if dresses no longer fit, they are replaceable), get fit (I'm off to Dartmoor in under 3 weeks) and get back to reading.

So, what's brought this about? Everyday for about six months , while waiting for my bath to fill, was spent reading Robert St John's book 'From the Land of Silent People' recounting his departure from Yugoslavia as the Germans invaded in WW2. My interest was that he went to Crete and also that my uncle was engaged in the war and died when his plane crashed flying back from Albania to Greece.  Once read, I quickly switched to Dilys Powell's 'The Villa Ariadne' which recounts the people who populated Sir Arthur Evans house at Knossos. This confirmed that reading settled things in my brain better than scanning the laptop screen.

After Barbara's memorial lunch I was unsettled. That continued through the next day and, to an extent, still lingers. But, I have equipment to prepare ground for a wild flower area and for preparation of a vegetable patch. The preparation of the latter started years ago when I took up an old path and relaid it elsewhere and started tipping lawn cuttings etc on the bare ground to provide some compost. I was tempted to just find another part of the garden as the original site was piled high with woody cuttings and lawn clippings. On Saturday I decided that I must follow my original idea and after 11 hours spread over the next three days, I removed 5 yard sacks of un-composted leaves etc., and 4 green sacks of chipped woody growth and the area is about ready for the tiller.

The exercise bike has come out and after a rather boring time on it on Sunday evening I realised I needed the kindle! So tonight, the TV was put on silent, French Cafe Music played and after strapping the kindle to the bike I rode while reading the first 3 chapters of Elizabeth Bennet, covering some 6 hypothetical Km. The book kept my interest, and I cycled to my fancy (and in time with the music) ... this seems to work.