Ah, it's that day again

lots of random thoughts interspersed with micro-sleeps ...

listening to Nico on youtube ... desertshore etc.

reading Yeats with tears ...

Though I am old with wandering

Through hollow lands and hilly lands,

I will find out where she has gone,

And kiss her lips and take her hands;

And walk among long dappled grass,

And pluck till time and times are done

The silver apples of the moon,

The golden apples of the sun.

Barbara's passing has brought about change in me. Mis-quoting Yeats, the centre cannot hold ... the stiff upper lip is no more and tears come as gentle rain whenever some sadness arises.

Yet, I do not think I am melancholic ... I have just given up a little more hiding.

It is now February, late Winter, a season of dashed hopes as days draw out only to be denied by bitter northerly winds. Spring will come, but not yet.

I copied the photos of Amy onto a disc a few days ago so I can, if I decide to, send them to Lisa. Somehow, I doubt I shall ... the pain is too deep.

On a practical theme, the cost of supporting Barbara in her last years, which was given freely, means that I should tighten my belt, but for what? That would only make me mean-spirited, and so I shall continue to live as I have done for the time that is given me.

I started a new blog, to record life moving forward, while this one reflects on times past - images, memories, and even sounds. Since Barbara died I have not been able to clear my answerphone, which has been full for months with messages from her. These are not sweet messages, they record pain, loneliness and despair. Not only have I been uneasy with the thought of listening to them, the idea of deleting them makes me feel as if it were a final abandonment of someone in such need. Today, 2/12, I made a start. I think I deleted ten. Those few (two) which were simply messages, were easy and almost comforting to listen to and then say farewell to. The remainder, those in despair ... silent or asking why I wasn't answering, bring back her pain and the volatility of her emotional state. They cover late November, 2016 to early January 2017.

On 01/12 I managed to delete another 12 messages, covering until 8th Feb.  The first call, on 30th Jan was simply a message saying she had to go into hospital, the last on the 8th simply said 'it's urgent'.